Abused But Not Broken

Abused But Not Broken

        Abuse is a hard topic to discuss for a lot of people but unfortunately, it's a topic that I'm familiar with. Abuse can still beat you down even when you're not being abused anymore. Abuse comes in many shapes and forms. I'm here to tell this part of my story it's not my favorite part of my story, but I just want to give an insight into how God can use even the broken pieces of you. Every hard moment in life can be a moment to learn, to break, to hear God, to push God away, to fall. to cry, and more. Any of these responses to hardship or trauma is acceptable. 

           Trauma does not define who you are or who you will become. This is very important to acknowledge when you are going through abuse or traumatic events. You are not who they say you are in the lies they breathe into you. Many people go through moments of feeling like they are trapped in their pain and can't get out. This is a normal response to have but it's not okay to stay in this thought process. I, unfortunately, grew up in a home of abuse on one side of my parents. My father was very abusive physically, emotionally, and mentally. He would beat me until I was bruised if I did one thing incorrectly. or he'd yell and feed lies into me. I grew up with a fear of showing emotion, fear of failure, fear of men, just plain fear from this all. I also grew up with abuse from my brother, He is still verbally abusive to this day but that doesn't stop me from seeking God. 

           Unfortunately from all of the abuse, I developed 2 chronic conditions PTSD and Fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is chronic autoimmune and nerve pain, and much more disorder. Somedays this disorder debilitates me but even though these conditions have changed my life and broken me at times it's God that has pieced me together through it all. God has been one of the only things that keep me going. A lot of people ask why I didn't turn away from God because of all the abuse and trauma I went through? My honest answer is who says I didn't, somedays I felt like I was in God's back pocket waiting to be answered. I stepped away from God when I was 15 and went into a dark place and hit rock bottom. Then God spoke through my mom and brought me back to Him, God was waiting for his daughter to come back to Him. I flipped everything around and started having a will to live for Jesus. Unlike my earthly father, God didn't leave me, He was still holding his arm out for me to take it but I wasn't grasping it yet. The moment I came back to God was in a Taco Bell late at night on a Sunday but hey God can meet you anywhere. Jesus will pick you up when you fall and when you feel abandoned, He is there.

                Even though I went through this trauma it didn't mean God stopped being there for me. He didn't abandon me. I believe He let me go through it to shape me into a strong young woman. I don't believe God creates evil but He allows us to go through hardships to shape us into his likeness. Many of us think that God is punishing us or leaving us to go through these struggles alone but the truth is He is right there with you through it, You just have to seek Him in it. God sees your pain, He doesn't ignore it even if it feels like He isn't hearing you, I promise He is. 

           God has taught me so much about forgiveness through all of this. Forgiving is a hard battle not designed for the human mind, but it is still able to be done. I had to learn that forgiveness isn't for the other person it is for you to heal from their trespasses. Bitterness destroys you, it will eat you alive if you're not willing to let go of it. Bitterness towards another person does not affect the other person but it can break you. Let go of it and let God take care of it, He's strong enough for it, He can take it, it's not your burden anymore. Forgiveness is hard and it's a brutal battle but it is so redeeming of your soul. It took maybe 10 years for me to forgive my dad for what he did to our family and pieces of it hurt a lot. I chose to forgive and reconcile with my dad. I gave it to God and He lessened my burden. Forgiveness doesn't mean trusting, replenishing relationships, being back in a toxic environment, etc. It means letting go of the brokenness and moving on. 

             Another thing about abuse is it can silence you to not speak up and be heard. If you have been abused don't let society silence you about it. Speak up about your experiences because that brings the greatest healing. I didn't speak up until I was about 18, nobody really knew that I had been through abuse for 9 years. Telling people just frees you from keeping in pain. Speak to Godly people about it too and you may find that more often than not you have the same experiences. Also, don't let satan tell you lies about yourself that you end up keeping as truth. You are not your trauma, you are not your mistakes, you are not defined but the struggles you faced! God sees you as valued, loved, chosen, accepted, forgiven, beautiful, wonderfully made, and so much more. Also, the abuse or trauma you faced was not and will never be your fault, don't blame yourself for someone else's actions despite you. 

               The Lord has been my strength, without God I would be in a difficult place of defeat, weakness, fearfulness, and whatever lies that had been fed into me. God is the reason that I am still alive and I cherish His truth that He has spoken into me. God has taught me that I am loved, I am worthy of His grace, I am chosen, I am not perfect but loved unconditionally. God has taught me that even though He seems far away, He's really on the other side waiting for me to take a leap of faith. My earthly father wasn't a great example of a father but God showed me that I am His, not my Earthly father's. I have a father in Heaven who is just thrilled about having me as a daughter and this goes for anyone. God is thrilled for you to be His children, He loves us more than we can fathom. God is everything we need. We may struggle to trust God and that's okay. It's okay to be human but just remember that there is no greater strength than our Lord's. 

            Remember that just because you were abused that you are not broken. You're just pieces of God's next mosaic. Remember that regardless of what happened to you, God doesn't think any less of you. Remember your worth and don't let anyone take away from who God made you be. Abuse is not what defines you. If you feel like you're stuck and have no words left or strength left just say, Jesus. There is power in his name, if your strength is gone He is there. Give it all to Him, He cares for you and He will take away your burdens. Remember a broken crayon still colors just as well as a new one. You can still make a masterpiece with broken pieces.